No Self Being Bodhi

No Spiritual Significance.

Having taken up the bell, I wanted to put it down. I tried to walk away from it, and I did a lot of walking, and right back to the dojo I went. I took up the bell because I did not want to, so that it was not I that was ringing it. Ringing the bell was what there was to do, done for the doing of it.

Over the past two years I have had several such moments in that dojo. The inkin, above, at first, then the han; the mokugyo coming a short time later. After that was the incense ceremony. Leading the Hanya Shingyo, ringing the gong.

Unlocking doors, wearing robes...

I did not want to do those things, but as it is needed, they are done because of what needed to be done at the time. I was left out of the decision.

Most recently it has been the kyōsaku. Sometimes I hope it is not called for because that means I can sit the full second 30-minute sit, and be off the hook until the Kesa Sutra (which I am finally really comfortable chanting)...but then I let it go, and when I hear “kyōsaku!”, gassho, rise, bow to the zafu, bow to the sanga, and go through the rest of the bows, the attention, the posture, the breathing, the walking… bringing encouragement to those who humbly request it.

Some blows are harder than others, some more accurate, none of them perfect. They are received just as they are given. All of us receive together, cultivating a sanga.

More bows on the return trip. Bow to the zafu, bow to the sanga. More time for just sitting zazen, until it is time to prepare the altar for the final act…

Why do I do this to myself?

When doing, self is the first thing you notice. Nervous, anxious, trying to remember the step, trying not to think about coffee. Before doing, it is that self that is afraid something might need its attention, and it is ready to be done doing anything.

It probably didn’t even want to get out of bed that morning. It definitely wants coffee. It is when all of this is in balance that the act of doing moves beyond that self; dropping off body-mind.

Then there is a litany to those who are there with us in spirit, connecting us to the Dharma.